Free yourself from judgment and embrace self-love!
Have you ever heard a stranger nearby laugh, and were sure they were laughing at you?
It happened to me yesterday. My husband, Ryan, and I were biking around our neighborhood. As we rode passed a young couple, the girl started laughing. In that moment, I felt myself instantly tense, and I became acutely aware of the way my belly fat jiggled as my bike went over the bumps in the sidewalk, the way my exercise top hugged me tightly enough that they could see all my imperfections, if they were looking. And in that moment, I was sure they were. As she laughed, I was momentarily thrown back to elementary school, when laughter usually was directed at me, and I burned red with embarrassment.
Just as quickly as I'd jumped to the conclusion that I was the butt of their joke, I realized that the girl was just as likely laughing at something her boyfriend had said, totally unrelated to me. I felt ridiculous for assuming they were paying me any mind at all, when I was likely just a fleeting object in their periphery.
Like a lot of people, I dealt with bullying as a kid. I was friendless for most of elementary school. In high school I reinvented myself among my newfound group of friends, but I still dealt with stage fright and public speaking, despite being a band geek and in Glee club. Go figure.
My self-confidence was so low that when I was given a solo ahead of the Canadian glee nationals, I gave it up at the last minute, handing it off to the lead in the school play because I was so sure that she would do it better than me (and, by default, that I couldn't do it). She went on to win an award for that solo, but the truth is, I never even gave myself a chance. For all I know, that could've been me claiming the award. It was shortly after that when I realized that I needed to find and claim my confidence.
My therapist likes to pose this question to me: What's the worst that could happen in X situation? I used to be afraid to put myself out there because the possibility of failure (or, even worse, embarrassing myself) felt like the end of the world. The thought that anyone might think negatively of me, mock me, or laugh at me kept me rooted firmly in my established comfort zones. But I wasn't learning or growing.
The first time I claimed my self-confidence was in university when I applied for a junior editor position on a creative writing magazine. The interview was coming up and I was terrified. "What's the worst that could happen?" my therapist asked me.
"They could turn me down," I said.
"Okay, and what does that mean?" my therapist asked.
"Well, it could mean that they didn't like me."
My therapist pursed her lips. "It could," she said, "or, more likely, it simply means they found someone a bit more qualified. But let's say they don't like you. So what?"
We talked some more about the value of other peoples' opinions versus our opinion of ourselves. She helped me realize that I was putting too much weight on what other people thought of me, which was hampering my confidence to a near-crippling point.
I decided, then and there, to just be confident. Sounds simple. It wasn't. I walked into the interview with sweaty palms and armpits. I hadn't slept the night before, and I didn't sleep for a few nights afterward. My heart raced so fast that I thought I was going to be sick. I don't remember what I said during the interview, but I got the job.
I found my confidence at the same time that I realized my opinion of myself is the only one that matters. It took time (years, in fact) for me to fully shed the weight of other peoples' judgement (and, as I saw during yesterday's bike ride, I still slip into moments of self-doubt and self-consciousness), but the moment I did was life-changing.
So how do I put my confidence into practise? I'm always asking myself what the worst thing that could happen is. If you asked someone on a date and they said no, is it the end of the world? Nope. If you applied for your dream job and didn't get called for an interview, does it mean you'll be jobless and homeless and miserable for the rest of your life? Nope.
I try to focus on facts in any situation. When I'd have to present my essay in front of my university professors and dozens of students, I knew that at least half the audience wouldn't be paying attention and that even the ones that did were likely too nervous about their own presentations to retain anything I said. Regardless, nobody would remember this moment in a year's time, anyway. And the sooner I got up there and did my thing, the sooner it would be over with.
It's amazing what freeing yourself from judgment will do for your confidence. Our self-confidence is a direct reflection of our own self-love. Learn to love yourself, and confidence will follow. :)
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